Rip My Heart Out

Today, I actually stood there doing dishes crying. I probably would have been bawling my eyes out if Brandon wasn't sitting in a chair across from where I was standing- looking at me like I was crazy. I don't know what it has been about today but I feel like my heart is going to burst at any moment. 


It was a normal day for us. We took the boys (Brandon and Gavin obviously) for haircuts. Gavin was great. He didn't cry. He interacted with the hairdresser. He commented on the Dr. Seuss movie that was playing. Everything went awesome and he looks so good with his new haircut. The hairdresser commented on how good he was and kept complimenting him. Afterwards, we went to Walmart to return somethings and the cashier also commented on how sweet Gavin was. 


Let me start back at the beginning of the day. Every day that Brandon wakes up at home and doesn't work (his 2nd day home basically), he will go and get Gavin out of bed and change him so that I don't have to do it. And every day that he does this, Gavin comes running into my room saying "Mom! Mom!" and my heart actually swells (well, maybe not actually but it feels like it). He climbs up in the bed next to me and I say "Good Morning" and he whispers "Good Morning" back to me. 


Ok..now we can go back to where I was before... so anyway- we got home and ate lunch and everyone took naps (yes, that is how we roll around here). When we woke up to Gavin crying, Brandon again went to get him from his nap and I laid in bed for a few minutes. That is...until I heard Gavin crying "Mom? Mom!" My heart breaks. Brandon was on the couch trying to get him calmed down watching cartoons and Gavin just kept crying and saying "MOM..." So, I went out and got him and sat with him for a while. He cuddled up to me and made me smile even though my heart was breaking. 


Then, we went to the store and came home and Gavin and Brandon spent time outside and I spent time inside by myself. Gavin opened the front door and said "Mom?" and I hid. He closed the door and was back outside. Soon he had the door open again saying "Mom? Mommmm" I came out from hiding and asked what he wanted and then asked if he wanted me to come outside and he nodded. He puts his little hand in mine as we walk back outside. Eventually we had to come back inside. I started some dishes. Brandon cleaned the tile and started laundry. Brandon turned the Pandora radio on the DVD player and blasted Disney music and Gavin danced. He danced on the floor...he danced on the couch. I cried. 


When Brandon gives Gavin a bath, he first puts him on the potty to try to get him to use it. I hear "Mom! Mom!" When Gavin is in the bath tub, I hear "Mom!" When bath time is over, I hear "Mom!" And then to top it off tonight, Brandon went to read books with Gavin (which is what we do before bedtime...I do it while Brandon is working and the first night Brandon is home and he does it the night before he leaves for work) and Gavin ran out of the room to come see me. He didn't want to read books with his dad. He wanted me. He cried. I felt like crying. Eventually Brandon got him in the bedroom without me in there but Gavin cried as he was taking him in there. 


Why am I crying? What is breaking my heart? I have to leave my son who I have spent virtually every day (minus like literally 7 days) of his life with in less than 2 weeks. In less than 2 weeks I may spend 8 weeks away, only seeing him maybe once or stretching it- twice a week for only a few hours each visit. It's really starting to hit home and I will guess more and more tears will be coming. I feel like crying just saying this now. There is nothing I can do about this either. It's for the best for our unborn babies but for my son who is already here and attached to me... my heart breaks. 

21 Weeks and 3 Weeks Left of Freedom

Well, nothing really exciting happening lately. I am feeling lots of kicks, from many directions. Sometimes they kick at the same time...sometimes it starts with one, then they alternate. It's actually pretty amazing. 


We are doing some home projects (still) like building a fence, finishing our guest room, "mowing" the grass and planting grass. It's all coming along very nicely. Well...that's all I have to say. Short and sweet. 

21 weeks