A Mothers Sacrifice

I am beginning to understand a bit more of what my title of being a mother means. I know I would gladly give my life for my children, no questions asked. Every day that passes makes me feel guilty more and more for what I feel like I have done...by choosing our unborn children over my only born child. In retrospect I know he is well taken care of by his father and grandparents but it feels still like I have abandoned my only first born. I also feel like I have given up my relationship with my husband and abandoned my dog (as much of a pain he is). I feel alone. I hate when they visit me because I know soon they will leave again. There are no words or advice anyone can give me to make me not feel this way. 17 days left until the babies are born, gives me no comfort... especially with the month or so of their NICU stay to follow. Another sacrifice is my freedom. I have been here for 6 weeks on Thursday with 2 more weeks to go. These have been the longest 6 weeks of my life. During this time I have had several days where I cried for hours, wanting to just go home or go somewhere else...anywhere. There have been days of achievement: scrapbooking, games, crochet (seriously I learned a little the other day). I have read 6.5 books (The Hunger Games series, Shades of Grey series and parts of others) and several magazines. I'm allowed to leave my room on foot but there's only so many places inside the hospital to go. I had to sacrifice my food. I'm not going to boo hoo about gestational diabetes but I will say when you are limited to the same things to eat for.this many weeks without it being your choice... I think anyone could understand. My pregnant friends can probably relate. Try waking up at 5am and waiting Til 8:30am before eating anything. This is my life. Same food every day. Today, I tried to eat something off the regular daily breakfast and was immediately stopped and ordered my regular breakfast and when that arrived and I didn't eat it, it became a huge issue. I spent the morning crying. I have other sacrifices but they are pretty superficial: happiness, my body, my sanity at times.